


WWI: Sburb Style

by Santhe



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cookies, Exams, Gen, High School, Studying, World War I, procrastination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-03-01
Packaged: 2018-01-14 00:20:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1245715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Santhe/pseuds/Santhe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The best way to study.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	WWI: Sburb Style

**Author's Note:**

> I believe I have taken procrastination to a new level.  
> Also if you are studying the beginning of World War I, this might be slightly helpful to you.

“We are up to World War I. John, what year did it start?”  
  
“Um… that was when the Germans attacked… Russia? No, France, it was France. 19… 19…”  
  
“14,” mumbles Dave, sprawled across John’s bed with his textbook open and tented over his face.  
  
“Correct,” chimes Rose, peering down at the cursive curling across her notebook. She is sitting primly on John’s desk chair, legs folded neatly and encased in a black pencil skirt, running the study session like a conductor leading a band. “And what was their plan called?”  
  
“No fucking clue.” Clearly not a very good band. More like one of those elementary school ones that no one wants to listen to but is forced to attend.  
  
“Oh! I know this one!” yelps Jade, hopping over John, who is flopped across the carpet strewn with crumpled papers. “Shiffen! Schliffen- schleffen? Something like that.”  
  
“Schlieffen.”  
  
“Yeah, that one!”  
  
“It was a plan,” continued Rose, “arranged by Alfred von Schlieffen, the Chief of Staff of the German Army- who, consequently, seemed to have something of an obsession with it, even his dying words…” She broke off, staring intently at her paper.  
  
“Schlieffen. The Schlieffen Plan. Alfred von Schlieffen. And… they were attacking France? Right?” John’s brow wrinkles as he pushes through paper after paper, arbitrary glances sticking nothing into his head.  
  
“Hm? Oh yes. They were indeed attacking France. And Dave, what was their strategy?”  
  
“Don’t know, don’t care,” he growls, still unmoved from his hideout under the book.  
  
“Well you can’t study like that, silly!” laughs Jade, taking a flying leap onto the bed and landing hard on his stomach. He yelps, textbook flying to the floor where it barely misses John’s head, who jerks halfway to his feet only to crash into the desk and topple over again. Dave, in an attempt to push Jade off, lands them both on the floor, notes fluttering every which way and covers collapsing onto him as she rolls away, still giggling.  
  
“The Schlieffen Plan,” Rose blares over the mayhem, eyes shut as if to force the others’ distracting movements out of her studying, “Proposed a two wing offense on France, one on the right, and one on the left. The idea was to put a formidable force on the right to pass through Belgium and take Paris from behind, while the weakened left force would lure the French army away from the city. The two German forces could then trap the French between them on their own territory in a classic pincer-“  
  
“I don’t think they’re listening, Rose,” says John weakly, rubbing his head where it had struck the wood. She looks up and sighs. Dave, jeans still half tangled in John’s comforter, is swiping at Jade’s ankles every time she attempts to stand, caused repeated collapsing and further jumbling of both parties with history materials and John’s possessions alike.  
  
“Children!” she snaps, and they freeze, Jade peering at her upside down from her last landing place- Dave’s back- and Dave glaring from under slightly askew shades and half of Jade’s tangled black hair. “Are we here to study for our exams, or to play?”  
  
“Dunno why you’d be here for either- the first you’ve clearly already done, and the second you could care less about.”  
  
“Perhaps I simple find it gratifying to be the only reason you three don’t fail ever test you take.”  
  
“Hey, I was studying!” complains John.  
  
“Yes, as we all should be. Now, Dave, Jade, sit down and pay attention!”  
  
Jade rolls over and sits on Dave again, this time right side up. Dave groans, but just folds his arms under his chin and lets her. John blinks up at Rose intently.  
  
“We are going to try a different method. Jade, because you are so very aggressive, you will be Germany.”  
  
“But the Germans are mean!”  
  
“Only some of them. Dave, because you were attacked, you will be France.”  
  
“Wonderful. I’m not speaking French.”  
  
“John, you’re Russia.”  
  
“And what, oh high and mighty queen of Europe, are you?” grumbles Dave.  
  
“I am England.”  
  
“Of course you are.”  
  
“Hush. So Germany, you have your genius Schlieffen Plan. You will attack France, and plan to crush their forces fairly quickly- perhaps in little more than a few weeks. Notice that although you are also enemies with the Russian Egbert, you chose to attack France first, because it poses a much greater threat to our study session and your country.”  
  
“However, due to the headstrong General von Moltke, you did not follow the original Schlieffen Plan, and it has caused complications and a lengthening of your campaign against France. You lose against the French Hoffre at the battle of the Marne, halting your offensive and making a mess out of everything. Or depending on the situation, knocking both countries onto the floor and scrambling everyone’s notes.”  
  
Dave breaks in. “And England sits and lectures everybody for hours on end, right?”  
  
“England finds herself most unfortunately allied with France, who is apparently rather awful at war and also incredibly unintelligent, and Russia, who can’t get a good offensive together and does not do much that is at all important.”  
  
“Hey!” yelps John again, “I was just trying to read my notes in peace, and then this big old textbook nearly kills me, and-“  
  
“And so you retreated into your large territory and took a long time to pull your military forces together. You are Russia for a reason, John.”  
  
“Doesn’t England do something?” chirps Jade.  
  
“In the real world, yes, England comes to the aid of floundering France, who obviously cannot take Germany without her. But that is where this metaphor stops working, because I am abandoning Dave to deal with his issues by himself.”  
  
“What a wonderful ally you are. Good thing I can deal with Germany on my own.” Quite suddenly, Dave flips over, knocking Jade to the ground again. John whoops and tackles him, and all three land in a heap once more.  
  
Rose sighs.  
  
A knock sounds on the door. The wrestlers freeze. John’s dad steps in, pipe, top hat and all, plate of warm chocolate chip cookies in hand. He takes in the scene silently- the mess of limbs clothed in blue, red, and green on the floor, sheets, blankets, and pillows scattered across the carpet, notes, textbooks, and binders haphazardly tossed onto every surface, and finally Rose, looking down at it all with disdain, her own book and folders stacked neatly on the desk.  
  
Hiding a smile, he places the cookies carefully on the table next to the door and heads back down stairs.  
  
“And who,” growls Dave, “is that, in your stupid metaphor land?”  
  
Rose doesn’t miss a beat. “That would be America. Only intervening when their own stuff starts to get messed up, and bursting with incredibly unhealthy food.”  
  
Jade raises her hand. “I think we should motion for peace. In the name of eating cookies before they cool too much!”  
  
“I’ll second that,” adds Dave. John nods.  
  
“War adjourned. Please proceed to your cookies.” Rose carefully folds her notebook shut and adds it to her pile, rising to follow the others to the food.  
  
“I assume we do all know that this is not how the actual war ended.”  
  
The other three blink at her, munching on their food and dead silent.  
  
Rose rolls her eyes and takes a cookie.

**Author's Note:**

> So basically me trying to study for an exam tomorrow, writing this instead, and deciding I might as well post it because I don't write enough stuff. Yay.


End file.
